I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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