tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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