Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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