well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
