I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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