I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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