now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
