I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
