Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
