some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
