i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
