he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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