And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
