you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
