May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
