her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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