We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
