who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
