Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
