if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
