Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
