I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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