I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
