I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
