Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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