you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
