dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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