my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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