I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
