after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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