Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
