So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
