Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
