I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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