fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
