my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
What a dumb baby whore.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
