I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
