Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
