what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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