Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
