why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
