I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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