Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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