I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
how drunk are you?
Several
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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