How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
