I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
