mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's official drugs can't kill me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
