I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
