I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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