ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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