life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
